


The Egged and the Pegged - a.k.a. Everything Works Out

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [37]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Bruce's dirty laundry being aired, But it's all worth it, Crack, Damian gets a chicken, Dick's unbelievable fluff, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Kon endures more suffering, Lex's ineviatble evil, Tim gets another ring, belated Easter fic, in the long run
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 00:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18927514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: It's a Wayne Kent get together, with a dash of Luthor!Timmy gets another ring,Kon endures some brotherly suffering.Damian makes a new friend,and everything works out in the end.





	The Egged and the Pegged - a.k.a. Everything Works Out

  
The Easter holidays saw the Wayne Family trooping down to the Kent farm for Sunday lunch, the decision having a staggering approval rating of 90%. Bruce, of course, was the holdout.

“There’s food at home,” he protested, and was promptly overruled.

“Come on, old man,” Jason said through a mouthful of green beans, “Terry’s never been out of Gotham before. It’ll be nice to breathe unpolluted air.”

And so on Sunday morning, Dick, Jason, Wally, Roy, Bruce and Cass stuffed themselves into the car, heading to the farm. Tim and Damian had gone ahead with Alfred the day before, ostensibly to help Martha prepare the lunch.

The weak excuse fooled no one, as Tim’s eyes gleamed with the knowledge of his yet to be committed sins.

Bruce finally rolled into Kent farm, and sniffed, his nose unused to the fresh air. The rest of the family tumbled out of the car, and Dick went a bit farther away, where he put Terry down on the grass.

At the feeling of the fresh, dewy, leaves, Terry startled, and flipped himself onto his stomach. “Dada?” He asked, looking up at Dick and Wally, who were grinning. Terry padded across the grass experimentally towards a group of crows who were watching warily.

“Look at the birdies, Terry!” Dick exclaimed, a cloud of purity exploding out of his pores. The residue drifted over to the crows, and they immediately perked up, cawing and hopping over to Dick and Terry. Delighted, Dick fell into a paroxysm of joy along with Terry, proving to Jason that nurture was far more effective than nature.

After all, Bruce - Terry’s biological father and a secret that they would take to the grave - was standing a fair distance away, warning about bird excrement and generally being against fun.

Further away, Dick’s pure fluff cloud had drifted, and elicited a hearty sneeze from further down the path. Bruce turned to see none other than Lex Luthor, who was apparently having an allergic reaction to Innocence and Love.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Bruce said mildly.

Luthor sniffled heavily. “Don’t sound so surprised. Martha invited me. After all, I am the father of her son’s half clone who is also her adopted son. Where's the rest of your sprawling brood?"

Bruce looked around just in time to see Damian appear over the crest of a small hill, riding atop a large cow and clad in a plaid shirt, overalls, a straw hat, and the cutest boots, clearly having the time of his life. Brufe pulled out his phone and snapped a picture to send to Talia. She always got pissed when she saw Damian doing 'common' things.

"Good morn, father!" Damian called, waving regally, as his army of cows peaked over the horizon.

Jon, who was riding behind Damian, giggled as Lex rolled his eyes. "Hi, Uncle Bruce!"

"I'm here too," Lex grumped.

"Hi Uncle Lex!" Jon called happily. Lex smiled at the boy's innocent greeting and endearing lisp on account of missing a front tooth.

"Ambivalent greetings, Luthor!" Damian hollered, before leading his troops away to graze. Lex's smile slipped off his face, even as Bruce's expression lit up. He loved Damian's unapologetic odd sense of formality, especially when it frustrated his pseudo-enemies.

"How can you take happiness in my pain?" Lex asked. "We were so passionately in love once."

Bruce hissed at the mention of his youthful dalliance. He and Lex had both attended Princeton University, and during one drunken night, they had, to Bruce's everlasting horror, fallen into bed together.

And kept falling into bed for the rest of the month, but as previously stated, Bruce's horror was already everlasting.

And to think that it had started out as Bruce's curiosity about what it would be like to touch Lex's shiny head.

When Alfred found out, he had brought Bruce home for the holidays and chewed him out, because 'no ward-son of mine will become entangled with future evil despots, no matter how smooth their head is, no sir'.

Alfred, Bruce thought, was a genius.

The unthinkable happened when Dick overheard them. "Bruce!" He squeaked. "You? And Lex?"

  
"Son, it's not what you think!" Bruce pleaded, even as Dick's sky blue eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"We were just fucking," Lex provided.

Dick gasped and fell over, rolling to a stop at the base of the apple tree. Sensing that there was drama going on, baby Terry also gasped and rolled over to land beside his father.

"Oh my god, Dick, you huge noob," Jason bemoaned his brother. He picked Terry up, who smiled innocently and grabbed the white streak in Jason's hair. "And you, tiny noob," Jason grinned at his godson. "But you're my tiny noob."

"Noob!" Terry echoed happily.

Meanwhile, Bruce's ears perked up at the sound of a motorbike approaching, bearing Kon-El and Tim. Bruce's blood boiled as he saw Tim practically draped over Kon in the backseat, giggling as the wind rushed through his hair and ticked his bare midriff that creeped out from his plaid shirt that was tied to become a crop top.

How could someone make worn denim and worker's boots look so delicate, Bruce wondered, as Tim skipped towards them. "Bruce, Lex, you're here!" Tim sang. "You're just in time, Kon and I went out to buy the groceries for lunch!"

"Hi dad," Kon said, floating over to Lex. "Morning, Mr. Wayne."

"Good morning, Alexander," Lex replied, using Kon's formal human name. "Have you and Timothy been having a good time?"

"Yessir," Kon said. "I took Timmy out to introduce him to the townspeople, and they all think that he's a right sweetheart."  
"Lovely," Bruce gritted out.

"Oh, it is!" Kon enthused. "Timmy's taken to farm life like a couple of piglets to a teat. He's such a dab hand with the work, and he's always in the kitchen, helpin' Ma whip up somethin'. Everyone loves him, they do, but no one more than me."

"Oh, Kon, my courgageous caterpillar!" Tim beamed.

"Tim, my elegant earthworm!"

"My bulging butterfly!"  
"My perfect pigeon!"

"Disgusting," Bruce muttered, as Tim fell into Kon's arms, and the pair of them collapsed onto the grass, rolling over and squishing poor Dick, who was still lying under the apple tree.

"Eep!" Dick cried, as Kon's muscle overflowed to pin his legs to the ground. "Help!" He cried.

Jason rose to the challenge and began to bounce Terry on Dick's firm abs. "Today, Terry-pie, we learn how to tap dance," he said, bouncing the happily squealing baby on his father's tummy.

"Jay, no, how could you!" Dick giggled, as Terry's tiny toes tickled his sensitive stomach.

Luckily, Clark chose this time to come to the rescue, picking Terry up and placing him into the crook of his arm. "Fee fi fo fum, who is this dancing on Dickie's tum-tum?" Clark grinned, as Terry squealed happily.

"Cla'!"

Clark beamed with the force of a thousand suns, reflecting his pure light onto Lex, who got a sunburn. "Yes, it's grand-uncle-pa Clark!"

"Oh my god," Bruce muttered at the non-existent title.

"Kon, get yourself off of Dick's legs, don't you know better than to show your passions in public? And in front of the baby! I swear Konathan Kent-"

Lex and Bruce both choked at this, but for completely diffrent reasons. Lex choked because he waa truly horrified at the butchering of his son's name. Bruce laughed because he was petty and delighted in Kon's humiliation and Lex's confusion.

"Excuse yourself," Lex gritted out, "my son's name is Alexander-"

"Alexander Konathan Kent," Clark replied stoutly.

"No, absolutely not, I am going to be sick. My heir will not have a hick middle name-"

"It is not 'hick', Luthor-!"

Martha chose that moment to look out of the window and seeing them arguing, hurled a tomato at them. "Clark Jonathan Kent, you stop that arguin' with your brother's daddy! Lex, don't you goad him!"

Grumbing, the men separated. "Timmy, honey!" Martha called. "Lois found a pair of her pumps that'll go just perfect with your dress today, come on in and get cleaned up!"

"Coming!" Tim squeaked, and dashed off, presumably to shimmy into his latest frock, aided and abetted in his quest by Lois, who desperately wanted a daughter, but did not want to push any more of Clark's unnaturally big headed kids out of her delicate areas.

Kon looked after Tim and sighed dreamily. "Isn't he just perfect?"

"You sicken me," Jason declared cheerfully, and lifted Dick onto his shoulders to pluck some apples for Ma Kent's World Famous Apple Pie. It was at this moment that Damian chose to make his return with Jon.

"What ho, family," he said. "What ho, interloper," he said, nodding archly to Luthor.

"Don't you take that tone with me, I was almost you dad," Luthor seethed.

Damian staggered back, his hand splayed across his tiny overall covered chest. "What! T-this is preposterous! Father, say something!"

Bruce sighed. "We kissed for, like, a month."

"You loved me," Lex grinned.

"Did not. I only loved your head."

"Fetish queen."

Bruce gasped, while Clark screeched something about 'innocence' and 'impressionable minds' and 'knew you were evil, Luthor', while trying to cover Jon and Damian's little ears.

Damian shook of Clark's large and uncomfortably warm hands around his head and stalked forward. "Father, I am extremely disappointed in you for this mental gaffe," he chastized. Bruce gaped, getting stark flashbacks to Alfred lecturing him in the dining room that one summer break from college. "If I am to have a second papa, then I would rather that you take up with the likes of Flash The Elder, or Aquaman. I would like to live in the sea. I like sharks."

Bruce pictured himself with Barry Allen, the happy speedster, or Arthur Curry under the sea, and immeditely regretted it. Arthur was part whale, Bruce was sure. He had *seen it* in the changing room.

With pain in his heart, Bruce trekked inside, only to bump into a harried Kon-El. "Sorry sir," Kon said, falling into a bow. "I'll just...leave." Bruce watched Kon scamper off, and took his seat at the table. Immediately, Clark's slobbery dog Krypto bounded up to him and began to dance around him.

"You're just like Clark," Bruce told the dog. "Too full of affection and happiness. Ugh. Nonetheless, I will pet you. Here," he said, scratching the dog behind the ear. Krypto flopped over onto his back and cycled his legs in the air happily.

When Luthor turned the corner, Krypto immediately paused his happiness in favour of growling at Luthor.

Lex threw up his hands. "I can't win with these people," he cried.

"Lex, you stop that wailin' and c'mere and eat some cake," Martha called. "Lois made it."

"Then I will surely perish, for she must have used cyanide as a leavening agent," Lex grumbled, but picked up a piece nonetheless. He fell quiet as he munched contentledly. "Hmm. no poison."

"Timmy made that one," Martha pointed out. "Lois made the lemon cake."

"Oh joy," Lex grumbled, and made it a point to avoid the tempting citrus seductress.

They settled at the table, with Lex purposely stealing Jon, who was thrilled to have a new Evil Uncle. After all, Dami was his little Evil Friend. The dishes started to come out of the kitchen, making everyone's mouths water.

Alfred walked in with the finger sandwiches, Martha with the salad and lasagna, Clark with the lemonade, and Tim-

Tim walked in, looking like a vision in cherry blossom pink, holding a towering pie in his hands. The bracelets adorning his wrists clinked merrily as he set the pie down in front of Kon, who couldn't take his eyes off of his lovely fiance. Without breaking eye contact, Tim topped the pie with swooping waves of thick, white, whipped cream, and for dramatic effect, finished it off with a cherry on top.

"Shall I cut you a slice, Kon?" Tim asked breathily.

"No, Timmy," Kon said, "It is I who should serve you." Kon lifted a sliver of pie out and gingerly lifted the fork to Tim's lips, watching as they closed around the fork. Tim chewed, and Kon delighted in his little tongue sweeping out to lick away the pie juices from his perfect little mouth.

"I'm sad," Bruce rumbled. "Tim and Kon are making me sad. Someone make it better."

Sensing that he had been called upon, baby Terry reached out and grabbed a handful of gooey pie and offered it to Bruce. "Boos?"

Bruce smiled. "Much better," he said, and exaggeratedly om-nom-nom-ed Terry's tiny fist.

Lunch was wonderful, and afterwards, Martha instructed the group to go out into the yard and gather the Easter eggs that she had hidden.

"Make haste, men!" Damian ordered, walking as fast as his little legs would take him, "We must incubate the eggs if they have any chance of hatching into the noble chickens they are destined to be!"

"Damian, that's not-"

"I was unaware that Easter was a test of our observational and stealth skills," Damian continued, "but how fortuitious that it gives us an opportunity to build character!"  
"He's so weird," Lex marvelled, as Jon and Damian raced off, hand in hand. "Do you think he'll be pissed to find out that they are chocolate eggs?"

"Relieved, I think, that no 'noble chickens' were depreivd of the fruits of their literal labour," Bruce snickered.

Just then, Bruce spotted Kon-El rushing past, heading straight for where Jason and Roy were snobbishly critiquing Dick's diaper changing technique.

"-only cotton? Why Mr. Grayson, why not silk?" Roy hooted, imitating a rich biddy from the latest Wayne gala.

"Surely the common material will chafe at the young lad's bum-bum," Jason added, fanning himself.

"I quite agree, sir, I quite agree," Roy nodded vigourously.

"Guys!" Kon hissed.

Dick looked up from powdering Terry's tiny tushy and smiled. "Hey Kon. We'll be done in a sec, Terry-pie needed a new nappy."

Kon looked forlorn. "I'm doomed!"

"Because Terry took a wee?" Jason snorted.

"Noo," Kon groaned. "Because I messed up, big time. Your dad is going to kill me."

"Ooh, do tell," Jason said, as the group converged on him.

Kon sighed. "I waned to surprise Timmy today, so I got him a present and put it inside an egg. I was going to give it to him in the evening, but Ma found it and put it in with the other ones and hid them around the yard."

"That doesn't explain why Bruce is going to murder you," Dick said.

"Muh-duh," Terry repeated gaily.

"Yes, that's right, Grampy Bruce is going to do a little murder! Good job, Terry!" Dick cooed.

"Oh my god Dick, listen," Jason hissed.

"Right, sorry."

Kon looked ashen. "I...bought Timmy a ring."

"But you're already engaged," Roy pointed out. "He already wears a ring."

"...not that kind of ring," Kon clarified.

"..."

"..."

"...oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'," Kon said, wringing his hands. "Guys, you've gotta help me find that egg before one of the kids find it, or worse, your dad."

"Don't worry, Kon, we'll help you," Dick promised.

"Hep," Terry reafirmed, pulling up his diaper.

"I'm so grateful," Kon wept at them, "thank you so much!"

"Alright, team, split up," Jason ordered. "Dick, Roy, you two go east. Terry, you and me are going west," he said, snagging his favorite family member.

"Whee!" Terry whistled as Jason sped off with him.

The search began in earnest, but try as they might, the only eggs that the search group found were filled with sweet, sweet, chocolate. The only one happy about this was Damian.

"These eggs are made from adulterated cacao! Glory be, the chickens were not separated from their young!"

"Look Dami, one of your eggs have little hearts on them," Jon pointed out.

"So it does," Damian said. "How ridiculous. Look Father, I have found an inane egg."

"Very cute," Bruce smiled.

"You may have it," Damian said, "I know that you secretly enjoy the colour pink."

"Thanks," Bruce grunted, as Clark snickered. He unwrapped the egg and ignored the faint gasps from his sons and Kon-El, thinking nothing of it. He took a bite.

And found...a ring.

"Eh?" Bruce examined the thin, golden ring, with the name 'Timmy' on it, written in painstaking cursive. "Tim?"

Tim and Kon dashed forward, suppressing their shivers. "Y-yes Bruce?"

"Why is there a ring with your name in this egg? It's far too big for your fingers."

Luckily Dick came to the rescue. "Oh, nevermind that, Bruce, I need you to give me a hand with Terry, I think he wanted to play with you-"

"It's a cock ring."

The silence was thunderous following Luthor's smug words.

Bruce swallowed. "I beg your pardon?"

Luthor smiled sweetly, as though butter wouldn't melt in his odious mouth. "That ring," he said, "the one in your hand. It's a cock ring. Clearly intended for the recipient."

Bruce blinked. "No," he said, completely in denial.

"You know it to be true," Lex hissed, inching forward like a snake. "Think, Bruce, search your feelings!"

Bruce fainted. Clark caught him and wept. "I knew you were evil, Luthor! Now Bruce is dead!"

"Bruce is not dead," Bruce himself mumbled, waking from his brief syncope. "For god's sake, Luthor. You madman."

"You're the prude who didn't recognize a cock ring," Lex pointed out.

"Stop saying 'cock' in front of the kids!"

"Cok!" Terry squeaked happily. "Cok!"

"Now you've done it," Jason glared at them.

"How low brow," Damian sniffed. "Terrence, Terrence my pup, we must be anatomically correct. The correct term is 'phallus'."

"Pa-wus!"

"Oh no," Clark moaned, his hands firmly clamped over Jon's ears the whole while.

Dick rolled his eyes. "I'm going to put Terry down for a nap. Bruce, come on. You take a nap too."

"Yes, I must have a lie down," Bruce agreed. "All this has been...too much. Come, Terry, lets have a nap."

Clark guided Bruce to the hammock, where he lay with Terry balanced on his stomach, looking forlornly into space, and trying to forget that his hands had held a cock ring meant for his tiny, delicate, son.

Not even the sweetest perfumes of Gotham would cleanse his tainted hands now.

Meanwhile, Tim was very happy to have recieved a ring - however unconventional - and had hidden it away underneath his dress. Kon had been very pleased at his lover's pretty blush on his cheeks.

Luthor, too, was pleased. After all he had caused a moderate amount of mayhem, and really, what man wouldn't be happy with that?

"What a lovely day it has been," Luthor mused aloud, slinging an arm around his son and his son's tiny fiance. Clark gasped and attempted to pull Kon away, forgetting that Kon had the same super strength that he did, he was really heavy, and oh no, Clark hadn't bargained on Kon digging his heels in, and now Clark was falling, falling, straight on top of Luthor.

"Argh," Luthor said, squirming underneath Clark.

"That is someone's OTP right there," Jason said, pointing to the Clark-Lex lump on the grass.

"Little Wing, eww," Dick giggled.

"Barf," Cass added, quickly taking a picture to send to the Justice League.

The sordid scene was broken up by the sight of Jon digging into a chocolate egg, and Damian being big-brotherly and wiping the chocolate stain on his cheek with his thumb with a 'really, Little Kent, one does not munch with such vigour, like a common chipmunk. We chew with gravitas, like the noble bear'.

Clark's heart was filled with light and fluff once more, and he resolved to gift Damian a chicken of his very own.

"No, there will be no poultry in my house, no sir," Bruce said. "We live in Wayne Manor, not Wayne Barnyard."

"A chicken of my very own!" Damian cried, ignoring Bruce. "Grayson, did you hear? We shall have eggs and chicks forevermore!"

"Yum," Tim breathed under his breath.

Cass elbowed him. "Do not eat Dami's chickens."

"He won't miss just one," Tim said, licking his lips, and was pinched hard enough to elicit a squeal for his tasty, tasty, plotting.

Bruce groaned and resigned himself to building a henhouse, cursing Clark the whole while.

Finally, it was time to return home. It took a while to prise Tim from Kon's hot, bulging, pecs.

"Tim, this is ridiculous, let's go," Bruce grunted, pulling Tim, while the boy clung to Kon with superhuman strength.

"Let me warm myself with the heat of Kon's love!" Tim cried, even as Kon's hands slipped underneath Tim's dress.

"There's a space heater at home, you little reptile," Bruce grunted, and successfully yanked Tim away. "Damian, put that bird away."

"But where shall I put Helena, father?" Damian asked, cradling the very pregnant hen that Clark had given him.

"Huntress is going to go crazy when she finds out that you named lunch after her," Jason said.

Damian gasped and ran to hide himself and Helena behind Alfred. "Fret not, Master Damian, we shall not cook young Helena or her offspring. Master Jason is just being mean."

Meanwhile, Bruce had finished stuffing Tim into the car, leaving the boy to gaze soulfully out the window at Kon, who had similarly plastered himself to the other side of the glass barrier.

"Dick!" Bruce roared.

"Yeah?"

"Go and take the window seat," Bruce ordered. "Jason, box Tim in with your brotherliness."

"Super-brother-senpai power!" Jason sang, and squished Tim into the seat.

Meanwhile, Damian was petting his newest pet, who was clucking curiously at Terry. "Cluck? Cluck?"

"Damian, if your bird pecks Terrence, then it's lunch meat," Bruce threatened.

"Father! Helena would never! She is a gentle and doting soul!"

As if to prove Damian's point, the hen waddled across the car, and made to tuck Terry underneath her maternal wing.

"Bok!"

Terry laughed happily at his new friend, and hugged Helena the Hen. For her part, Helena looked amused at her strange, wingless chick, but loved it nonetheless. After all, she was a good mummy.

"Cluck," she said, looking smugly at Bruce.

For his part, Bruce looked mildly perturbed. "Is that chicken mocking me?"

"Nooo," Dick said, trying to defend the chicken. "You're just sleepy, Bruce, you're imagining things."

"Dick, I am not your baby that you can put me down for naps whenever you think something's wrong," Bruce growled. "I'm your father, your elder-"

  
"Very much elder," Jason sniggered.

"Jason Peter!"

And just like that, the hen was forgotten for Jason's irreverence, and everythign went back to normal.

***

Damian was up at the crack of dawn to tend to his new hen. For some reason, he also insisted on wearing overalls and a straw hat as he chased Helena around the yard, collecting the eggs she dropped along the way.

Inspite of his aversion for barnyardd aimals, Bruce was up too, recording the spectacle on his phone.

"What're you doing, Bruce?" Dick called, walking over, armed with full bran cereal for his colonically impaired father.

"I'm videotaping Damian's foray into the farming industry," Bruce said. "Then, I'm going to send it to Talia so that she can seethe about Damian doing 'common' things."

"It shouldn't matter if Dami's happy doing it," Dick defended, and spooned some cereal up to Bruce's mouth. "Say 'Aah'."  
"Dick!" Bruce yelled. "Stop thinking of everyone as your baby!"

"Oops," Dick giggled. "Sorry."

Bruce turned back to the video, where Damian had now collected all of Helena's eggs in a basket and had caught the feitsy hen underneath his arm. "What ho, father! What ho, Grayson!" He called, stomping off to the hen house that he had painstakingly built. "I shall be with you in a second, once I activate the anti-Drake guards around Helena's nest!"

"Dami, Tim was only joking about that," Dick assured him.

"You can never know with Drake. Once, I caught him trying to trap Todd's girthy fingers in a hot-dog bun."

Dick laughed and swung Damian up to his hip. "Enjoy this while you can, Grayson," Damian said, "soon I shall be a hulking man, too heavy for you to carry me around thusly."

"Then I'll make the most of the time now," Dick said, and carried Damian inside.

Bruce heard Damian greet Jason with a, "What ho, Todd!" and Jason's resultant shriek of misuderstanding that Dick and Damian had symbiotically fused together before realising that no, Damian was just being carried, he was really tiny for his age, wow.

Chuckling, Bruce hit the send button on the video, and watched as Talia's angry texts blew up his phone. With a content sigh, he reclined in his chair.

Life was good.

***  
***

TIMMY'S FASHION BLOG

In this fic, Timmy wore:

[Timmy's farming crop top](https://www.amazon.com/makeitmint-Womens-Sleeve-Cropped-YIS0008-RED-SML/dp/B07H1FQ5XT/ref=sr_1_9?keywords=woman+plaid+crop+top+tie&qid=1558583811&s=gateway&sr=8-9)

[Timmy's Sunday Lunch dress](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DZR1B4C/ref=twister_B077BLX7FZ)


End file.
